Co-Parenting

Did you start laughing when you read the title of this post?  Co-Parenting....it feels like a big joke.  Like whoever came up with that idea had definitely not ever been divorced and lived in a world of rainbow skittles, fuzzy bunnies and happy little elves.

The reality is, however, that when you go through a divorce and there are children, you, as the father, are expected to co-parent with your ex-wife regardless of your custodial status or the amount of visitation you have received.  You are also expected to co-parent with your ex regardless of the amount of drama, trouble and terror she may try to inflict on you for trying.  AND, to top it all off...if you decide to disengage from that parenting responsibility its very likely that you will be back in court and have more restrictions put on your ability to spend time with your children. 

Co-Parenting is defined as, "...an arrangement in a divorce or separation in which the parents share legal and physical custody of a child or children."

Unfortunately, for the men who I'm reaching out to through this blog, co-parenting's real definition is something like this, "...an arrangement after divorce in which the father is required to uphold the rules of the mother's home, agree with her decisions, occassionally is allowed to voice his opinion which may or may not be taken into consideration, and ultimately run his household just like hers."

Cynical of me...isn't it?

Often when things get too difficult between exes, the non-custodial father disengages and ultimately sees less and less of his children.  There are lots of reasons behind this type of disengagement.  In a study of 40 disengaged fathers the following factors were found:

Reason	Percentage that mentioned	(Number)
Access difficulties	90	(36)
Father's decision to cease contact	33	(13)
Practical difficulties (distance,finances, work schedule)	28	(11)
Child(ren) not wanting contact	18	(7)
Legal injunction	16	(6)
Early pattern of no contact (prohibiting future contact)	5	(2)

Please note that the fathers surveyed were able to choose multiple reasons behind their choice to disengage.  If you aren't quite to this point I thought it was time to talk about co-parenting because the ultimate goal behind the co-parenting theory is to do something that is good for your children.  So, while you may not be able to completely effectively co-parent there are some things you can do:

About.com has an article about rebuilding trust with your ex that I though applied to what I think would help when trying to co-parenting with a difficult ex.

1.  Keep your promises.  And I am going to go a step further and say that if you make a decision you need to stick with it.  If you say you are going to pick up your kids at a certain time...make sure you do it.  Those little inconsistencies cause way more drama than you want in your life.  I promise you that.  As a co-parent, its important to provide stability for your children when they are in your care.  Most likely many of the routines your children have with your ex can carry over into your home.  You don't have to do everything the same, but stick with your decisions.  Mixing it up every time they come to see you will cause your ex to claim you don't know what you are doing and ultimately that you aren't a fit parent.  Whether you like it or not, they are going back to their mother's house and telling her all about their time with dad.  It will get back to her...and she will react.

2.  Be considerate.  Note that I didn't say be a doormat.  Being considerate doesn't mean you have to back down or be the "flexible parent" every time.  But it does mean that you will usually get more kindness when you show more kindness.  Pass along pertinent information to your ex about school events or homework or sports.  Never speak unkindly about your ex in front of your children.  Never raise your voice to your ex in front of your children.  Its better to walk away and respond with the comment that you need to discuss this later whent he children aren't around.  Maybe this should be titled try and be the bigger person instead of being considerate.  Ultimately, if you make efforts at kindness the people that see them...your children...will remember them.

3.  Ask her opinion.  Yep.  I actually gritted my teeth when I wrote that.  I know how hard it is to encourage your ex to have input in your time with your kids, but, there is value in even just letting her think she has some say in what you are doing when your children are in your care.  I find this to be especially true when your child is having a hard time with something.  For example, if you have a child with nightmares or who doesn't sleep well.  Asking your ex if there is something she does that helps the child with this problem will result in two things.  1.  She senses you trust her as the child's mother (and thats a BIG deal to her.) and 2. She may actually have a good plan that works for you and provides cosistent parenting for the child. 

It may feel like a stretch for you now, but think about it the next time something comes up that you might be able to ask her opinion on.

4.  Last, but not least...Apologize.  Remember that blog post a few days ago about what factors played in the demise of your marriage?  If you truly have something to apologize for...and you are ready to say the words...a heartfelt apology may go a long way in making her easier to parent with.  You may be surprised that even long after the fact - an apology may help your ex release some of the anger built up from your divorce.

What did you do?

“Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary by-pass. After such a monumental assault on the heart, it takes years to amend all the habits and attitudes that led up to it.” -- Mary Kay Blakely

Confession time...I have never been divorced.  I watched my parents go through a divorce.  I've watched friends get divorced.  I've watched my sister get divorced. 

I've experienced the aftermath of my husbands divorce, but I have never gone through the legal process that would dissolve a marriage. 

So, do I have any business writing about it?  Can I possibly understand the pain and anger and sadness associated with getting a divorce?  I'd like to think I can understand.  I'd like to think I can empathize with the myriad of emotions that must be felt by both the male and female side. 

Let's consider first that based on data offered by the Center for Disease Control - there is a marriage rate at 6.8 marriages per 1,000 population and a divorce rate of 3.4 divorces per 1,000 population.  Aside from the very humorous fact that the Center for Disease Control offers data on marriage and divorce, the point I'm trying to make is not that I can do simple math, but that 50% of marriages are ending in divorce.

Next comes the big question...WHY?  Why does divorce happen?  What happened from the time you said, "I do," to the time you found yourself looking at The Causes of Divorce - When Love Can't Carry On list?

According to Yahoo! Associated Content the top reasons people get divorced are (in no particular order):
1.  Money
2.  Cheating
3.  Poor communication
4.  Change in priorities.
5.  Lack of commitment to the marriage.
6.  Sexual problems.
7.  Addictions
8.  Failed expectations of your spouse
9.  Physical, emotional or sexual abuse

So, which one are you guilty of?  Or, which one is your ex-spouse guilty of?  Actually, just from my personal experience I have found that most divorces happen because more than one of the above reasons (and maybe even a few that aren't listed) is a constant companion in the marriage.

Now moving on to the real meat and potatoes of this blog post.  Which one of those should remove you, as a father, as a constant figure in the lives of your children?

I'm not going to mince words here...if you have an addiction that is uncontrolled and in any way dangerous (i.e. you drive drunk, you like to shoot up while the kids are in bed, you bring home prostitutes...) I'm of the opinion your time with your children should be supervised or non-existent depending on the severity of your addiction. 

Abuse is another no-contest reason for me.  Abusers should not be left unsupervised with children.  Ever. 

I know that there are lots and lots of false allegations out there...remember I've been investigated as an abuser myself.  I'm not talking to you that have been wrongly accused.  I'm saying if you actually abuse another human being you need some help and you do NOT need to be around your children without supervision.
Let me ask you again - which one(s) on the list are you guilty of?

Let me just throw out this idea - Issues, problems, irreconcilable differences between adults have nothing to do with a father's love for his children and should not prohibit him from spending equal time with his children.

So, you had an affair.  You cheated on your wife.  You made her feel unloved, worthless, belittled, and embarrassed. (just to name a few) She is angry.  You are angry.  She is hurt.  You feel guilty.  Morally, you have made a mistake of enormous proportions.  It doesn't mean you should lose the right to be a father.

You mismanaged the household money and have overspent.  You can't pay the mortgage on time.  Your ex-spouse is D.O.N.E. with living paycheck to paycheck and asking her family to supplement your income.  It doesn't mean you should lose the right to be a father.

You and your ex can't talk to each other without it ending up in a shouting match with each of you trying to outdo the other by increasing your volume.  It doesn't mean you should lose the right to be a father.

You no longer want to work a 9-5 job and have decided to follow your dream, move to the country and become a farmer.  Your ex isn't as excited about your new dreams...  It doesn't mean you should lose the right to be a father.

You simply do not want to be married.  It doesn't mean you should lose the right to be a father.

You and your ex were sexually incompatible...whatever that means.  You are not physically able to relate to each other.  It doesn't mean you should lose the right to be a father.

You married a woman who you expected to be a certain way and do certain things that are crucial for your happiness.  She isn't the woman you thought she was.  It doesn't mean you should lose the right to be a father.

In fact, none of these should even be a factor in limiting your time with your children from the equal and fair distribution of 50-50 shared parenting.  

"During my years as a psychotherapist I have experienced many cases in which parents wage bitter custody battles against one another. In these battles, one parent is attempting to obtain sole custody of the children while severely restricting the visiting rights of the other parent. Under these circumstances you might be led to believe that the battle was being waged against someone who was alcohol and drug addicted and was abusive to the children. At least that would make some sense of the angry situation. However, in all too many cases there is no such addictive or abusive process going on. Rather, the motivation of the vindictive parent is to exact revenge against the other parent for sins having been committed between the two of them and having to do with their relationship and having nothing to do with any legal or violent issues. For example, an angry wife and mother may feel so entirely disappointed by the divorce that she is swept away by anger, rage and the desire to punish the former spouse by demanding sole custody." - Dr. Allen Schwartz

Is this what you are experiencing?  Are you losing the opportunity to be a father because of your ex-spouse's anger?  More often than not the answer is yes.  And, unfortunately, the family court bias is not only allowing this behavior, but encourages it by upholding the unjust and unequal standard that mothers receive custody and fathers receive visitation.

It's time for that bias to go away.