Who's to Judge?

I had a friend send me a link to an article that was about two different mothers who gave up custody of their children in order to pursue other interests and dreams...

I'm having mixed feelings about this.

First - the article is found here... And it starts off with the sentence, "Rahna Reiko Rizzuto says that she never wanted to be a mother."  Then follows up with "...when her sons were 5 and 3..."

Hmmmm...first major problem...If you don't want to be a mother...why are you having children...and not just one child, but two???

But...I don't want to digress into nitpicking this woman apart.  The thing that this article made me really think was also a topic of conversation among my friends and I and centered around this question...

Do you judge mothers who don't have custody of their children?

First, you may be wondering why this is pertinent information for a father's right's blog.  Well, consider the family court climate in our country that we KNOW caters to mothers first...and then consider if a mother who doesn't have custody of her children is criticized and scorned...how much harder does that make it for you dads to receive equal and fair parenting time...or even full custody of your children...simply because your ex is afraid of the stigma of a mother who "gave up her children?"

Now, I know that you fathers get a bad rap for not sticking around, doing more with the kids, attending every activity, etc.  In fact, the article was terrible, as far as I was concerned.  When I read it I wondered where the author, Lylah M. Alphonse, has been for the past 10 years and if she's EVER known anyone who was divorced that was male and non-custodial.

She actually makes this statement about mothers who choose to not have custody of their children, "But it shines a light on a glaring double standard: When a man chooses not to be a full-time parent, it's acceptable—or, at least, accepted. But when a woman decides to do so, it's abandonment."

Ok...let me jump on my soapbox for just a minute...how many of you fathers chose to not be a full-time parent? 

*crickets*

Thats what I thought.  How many of you were even given the option?  Yeah..  Strike one against Laylah. 

Second, in who's world is it "acceptable - or, at least, accepted?"  I'm guessing the same world where fathers just let the judge know they aren't interested in being a parent anymore.  Strike two, Laylah. 

Finally...I think I may have actually laughed when she said for a woman its termed "abandonment."  For you dads we just use the terms dead-beat and loser.  You should thank your lucky stars that its not abandonment (*note sarcasm puhleeeze!)  Strike three, Laylah.

You're OUT.

The unfair glossing over of the issue that fathers aren't even considered as a primary custodian isn't mentioned in the article.  Just the fact that these two women who made the choice to give up custody are some kind of "new breed" of women.  It almost made it seem like we're supposed to pat them on the back for their progressive attitudes and thank our lucky stars there are women out there like this.

And yet, if a father were to make that same statement or decision he is tried and hung without the benefits of a jury or trial. 

I suppose the big picture idea is that once a parent you are always a parent.  Regardless of whether you are custodial or not.  Just deciding one day that taking care of these children you brought into the world isn't what you want to do anymore is about the most selfish thing I've ever heard.

And that goes for mothers OR fathers.

I suppose another lesson is to not judge what you may not understand...but its really hard and we're not perfect...me especially.

So I have to end with one of my favorite of the 16,135 comments that were left on this article...

"I couldn't finish the article, I got bored with her story just like she got bored with her kids."

I'm not the Father

I'm back!  I know you are all thrilled to find me back and ready to spread the good word of equal and fair parenting rights for both mothers and fathers.  My 2-week sabbatical was well spent adoring my soldier during his R&R time while he took a break from Afghanistan.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

I got an interesting "Action Alert" from the American Coalition for Fathers and Children about comedian Carl LaBove.  If you haven't heard his story yet, its all about how he was married, had a child with his wife, got divorced, paid child support but was denied access to his daughter.

That was part 1.

Part 2 starts when Carl LaBove found out he wasn't actually the father of the child, confronted his ex-wife who admitted having an affair with his good friend who is now dead from a tragic accident, had an agreement with his ex-wife that she would drop the child support requirements, she did nothing and let the State of California continue to badger him.

Part 3 finishes off with the aftermath...Carl LaBove now has an adult "daughter" who he barely knows, but still sought him out to hear his side of the story (I love her for that.).  He has had his license, passport and credit all destroyed for the past 2 decades.  The man isn't even allowed to DRIVE.  And finally, he is STILL being hounded to pay more than $188,000 in back child support and fees for a child that isn't his.

You can read the story from Yahoo News here.  Or, if you are more of an NPR kind of person you can read their version here.

Wow.

This is truly the tragedy of a man finding out that the little girl he was madly in love with and who desperately tried to see her every moment he could, but was continually thwarted by the ex-wife as much as possible (sound familiar?)...

If you want to see a video interview of Carl from the ACFC National Family Law Reform Conference please click here and scroll down to the section titled interviews and click on Carl LaBove's name.  Its pretty interesting to hear how before he knew he was not the father he suffered many of the same frustrations that divorced men have in dealing with an ex-wife who makes it hard to see your child.

I am particularly amazed that the State of California continues to believe that even though it has been proved through a paternity tested that Carl LaBove has a zero percent chance of being this child's father; he should actually continue to pay child support to a woman who cheated on him.  Gee...nothing like twisting the knife once they stick it in you.

Because in order to get this order erased Carl LaBove has to show he was coerced into signing his agreement with his ex-wife.

Now I suppose I should say that Carl is not above a little reproach here...  You kind of want to give him a slap upside the head and say, "What were you thinking?!" He had been told by his ex-wife that he wasn't the child's father, but he never got paternity testing done until now.  His lawyer never suggested it...the divorce from his ex-wife took SIX years (kill me now!) to finally be settled.  Within that six years he discovered he wasn't the child's father...he had a verbal agreement with his ex that he didn't have to pay child support, but he still signed the documents stating he would.

**sigh**

Does this make any sense to you at all?

Carl LaBove is speaking out...and, in fact a week ago went to court to get this ruling of child support overturned.  The actual petition won't be heard until March 29th...

He, like so many others that have come in contact with the family courts, is frustrated and angry at how these courts seem to never listen...never hear the man's side.  In Carl's own words, “The day my ex-wife blurted out that Sam had fathered my daughter – that was the day my life changed forever. I was devastated. But after all these years, I’ve learned to forgive. Now I’m just mad at the unjust law. I want to set the record straight and get my life back. I’ve been punished long enough for a crime that was committed in my bedroom. I’ve made it my mission to help others in my situation who are suffering from an unfair law.”

Now, I know this blog is supposed to be about father's rights...but don't you think this just highlights all the problems fathers have in the family court system?  Is it the bad lawyers who don't make the case?  The sneaky ex-wife who just wants to "stick it" to her ex-husband?  The "deaf" judge who automatically assumes the worst of the father and never gives the benefit of the doubt?  The law that doesn't clear a man from a responsibility that should not be his?  Do we go so far as to blame those who don't pay attention and vote for whoever is running for that judicial seat (because nobody really pays attention to who is running until you have to stand before one of them and try and explain your case.)

This feels like one of those moments when I should jump on a soapbox and holler, REFORM!  But I'm not even sure that really makes any sense.  The reality is that until people start to pay attention to the injustice in the family court systems...until people who aren't actually involved in the system start to care about what kind of crazy rulings are being thrown around by elected officials...

Well, until then...none of this is going to change.  

I have many a single mother friend who probably cringes to hear me say what I say.  But, I still ask you to spread the word, dear readers and share your viewpoint. even if it's not the popular one, and maybe we'll see that reform start to happen...    

Deadbeat Dads

I remember the day(s) when my husband's guilt over not being able to be a constant figure in his children's lives would overcome his normally logical mind and he'd throw his fists in the air, rend his clothing and cry out, "Oh why me...how did I become a deadbeat dad!" 

OK, not really, but there were many many a day (and occasionally we still revisit this issue) when he feels like maybe he could have done more, fought harder, spent more money, found a better lawyer, agreed to his ex-wife's demands, done a double back flip, found the magical unicorn or develop the cure for cancer...and in that way could have provided a better life for his children instead of being a "deadbeat dad."

And then I gently rub his shoulders, pull out the dictionary and read for him...

DEADBEAT DAD...

The Princeton.edu definition:  A father who willfully defaults on his obligation to provide financial support for his offspring

The Wikipedia definition:  Deadbeat parent is a term referring to obligor parents of either gender that have freely chosen not to be a financially supportive parent in their children's lives.

The Wiktionary definition: A man, especially one who is divorced or estranged from his partner, who fails to provide monetary child support when he is legally required to do so

The Urban Dictionary definition:  A father who does not provide for a family that he was part of creating. Does not have morals or a responsible enough nature to realize how difficult he is making life for his family.

The Freedictionary.com definition:  A father who willfully defaults on his obligation to provide financial support for his offspring

The Duhaime.org legal definition:  A father who ignores a Court order to pay child support

And...one more...This one from the "Deadbeat Dad Forum":  In my definition a deadbeat dad is a man that has fathered children either in a marriage, or any type relationship, and has denied his parenthood to that child.  This man does not feel he needs to be in the child's life in any manner. Or does not pay his court assigned child support. Thus leaving the full responsibility to the mother.

Are you a deadbeat dad?

Are you willfully and purposefully walking away from your children?

Are you an immoral person who does not care for their offspring?

Are you refusing to pay child support?

Have you denied your parenthood?

I'm willing to make a wager on the fact that if your are here, reading this blog, you do not fit the definition of deadbeat dad...and yet, I know so many divorced men who walk around with guilt oozing out of their eyes, ears, fingertips, sweat glands, and air follicles. 

You may be one of them.  I know my husband is (thankfully not as frequently as he used to be, but...) occasionally still one of them.  They belittle their contribution to their children and blame themselves for not having been given the same opportunity as their ex-wife and mother of the child to be a part of the child's life.

They feel guilt for having "given up."  They feel guilt for having "failed."  They feel guilt for not seeing their children more often.

(Hum the Jeopardy countdown song with me here...)

Sorry, I was just going back over those definitions to try and find the one that says a deadbeat dad is a dad who pays their child support and has been court ordered to not access his children more than..._____(fill in the blank with your visitation allowance here)____.  Who spends every last dollar he has on a long line of lawyers promising THIS time it will be different...and continues this journey until his child(ren) finally reach an age where they voice their own opinion or become adults.

I don't see it...do you?

We'll visit the societal requirement of divorced dads being gluttenously full of guilt in another blog post, but what I hope you dads that are out there reading this blog now will understand is this:

1.  There is a bias in family courts against awarding a father custody and/or more parenting time.  You not receiving custody or more parenting time does not make you a deadbeat dad.

2.  More money spent on a lawyer is rarely/if ever going to change the judges mind.  Choosing to not spend that money does not make you a deadbeat dad.

3.  Your ex-wife will continue to make demands on you as a parent outside of the court ordered agreement.  She will try to make you do and agree to what she wants.  Sometimes you will think she is right.  Sometimes you will think she is wrong.  When you refuse to comply with her demands or agree with her this does not make you a deadbeat dad.

4.  Your ex-wife will not suddenly realize that you should see your child more frequently.  Your inability to convince her of this does not make you a deadbeat dad.

5.  At some point the fight is no longer worth it.  When you realize that you no longer want to fight, THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU A DEADBEAT DAD.

Yep...I said it.  At some point, fighting the ex-wife for custody or more time or even for the time you've got on that court document, but that is being denied to you, is no longer worth it. 

In a five year period of time my husband went from an every other weekend arrangement to 50/50 shared custody to having the two youngest full time then back to every other weekend then to only on holidays and a month in the summer to custody of one child and summer/holiday visitation with the others.

Did reading that make your head spin in a circle?  Tell me what judge in their right mind can look at that progression and say, "Yep...I definitely did what was best for those kids!"  It looks to me more like a case of, "What mood is the judge in today?  Does she/he like fathers or mothers today?"

I think the hardest thing my husband ever did was admit to me he didn't want to fight anymore.  He just wanted to accept what was given and move on the best he could.  He struggled with depression and anxiety from that decision.  He worried his children from his first wife would feel like he was choosing his second wife (and I was pregnant at that time) over them.  He wondered if they'd ever forgive him.

Take a minute and reflect on where you are at in your journey through the divorce/custody/courtroom battles.  Are you just starting out full of hope and determination to win your fight?  We (the collective we) are your cheerleaders and hope you succeed. 

Are you in the middle of your journey and feeling the wear and tear of constant court battles, unreasonable rulings but still forging on ahead?  We (again - that collective group of us) offer you all the virtual strength that we can. 

Are you at the point where its time to say enough is enough and I'm ready to move on? 

You are not giving up or giving in.

You are simply accepting what is. 

You are not forgetting your child(ren).

You are agreeing to let other priorities back into your life.

This collective we...well, we're behind you...applauding your strength to make this decision and want to remind you that this does not make you a deadbeat dad.